Humans. We’re the top of the food chain, the kings of the mountain, the epitome of evolution (well… some of us…), but even we must take note of the other living, breathing forces that exist around us. Most people would tell you that beasts such as the lion, the shark or even the humble honey badger are animals to fear. I’m here to put a stop to this proposterous nonsense. I’m here to tell you about…
THE ANIMAL AXIS OF EVIL!!! *cue dramatic music*
These three creatures, which form this triangle of terror, are normal, docile things that usually you wouldn’t bat a single eyelid at, but what lurks behind their innocent facade is a litany of horror and immorality that would make Stalin go “that’s a bit much that is…” Let us start with the obvious candidate, one which I think we can all agree on: Cats.
I’m allergic to cats, which would explain my distrust of them to many a psychiatrist, but in actuality the evil that exists within cats has been accepted for a long time. Worshipped by some cultures, cats nonetheless have an inherent loathing of their owners (people) that borders on the sociopathic. Having an innate superiority complex which cultivates an ego of unprecedented proportions, cats have no time for their loving owners, nor any loyalty or honour that would go with it. Using them as a station which supplies free food and board, the cat will nonetheless depart for better climates should the offer arise. And as for the allergy factor: Cats know this. They will identify the sufferer and make their way, through Hell or high wind, to rub themselves against them or otherwise inflict their hair upon the person for maximum pain and snuffling.
Cats are the sociopaths of the Axis of Evil, but not the worst… that goes to ducks.
While some would argue we are entering the realms of the absurd here, I disagree. Ducks are cunning and vengeful, and it is not unusual to see them chasing small humans (children) around in the hopes of acquiring what amounts to their Crack Cocaine: Bread. Ducks crave bread. In fact it’s the only reason we have placated them for so long. Followers of the Bible and/or comedian Eddie Izzard will remember the tale of Noah and the Ark. The world flooded, but 2 of every animal was saved. But not ducks. Ducks could live the life on the ever-lasting ocean, and for a time ruled the waves as dominant species (although an argument could be made for swans, but this is largely dismissed as madness.) When the waters lowered and ducks were put back in their place, they felt spurned and denied the good life which was once theirs. Naturally, why wouldn’t they want it back? However by feeding them bread, they have become our slaves, growing more bitter by day and most likely plotting when they will finally overthrow us in a Planet of the Apes style revolution.
(side note: Apes aren’t in the Axis of Evil, despite their poo-flinging abilities, because they’re just so darn loveable)
So to sum up: Cats are sociopaths, and ducks are bitter despots. What could be worse you ask? How about a powerful beast, uncaring, unemotional nay, some could say unMOOOOOving…
Cows…
Cows are the biggest threat to us all. Their cold dead eyes watch us, study us, not in any intelligent way but still in a way that ultimately could lead to our downfall through our own hubris. Like cats, cows are considered sacred in some cultures and with good reason: they’re powerful allies. While easy to tip, if you get a herd together cows are an unrelenting force that cannot be stopped by any means. Stab them? Their thick skin and determined manner won’t even flinch. Shoot them down? That hide will bounce off the shells like sand. It’s why we have tools such as the cattle prod to defeat them, but even then pure precision is the only way to effectively stop them in their tracks. Not only are they both uncaring and indestructible, they are armed to the teeth. Their digestive system is so refined poison is useless against them, and using their powerful jaws they could eat a whole man whole in mere seconds. Not only that, their power is so much that if a cow kicked a baby in London, it would land in North Korea and become a slave (source: The Daily Mail). But these are all parlour tricks to their ultimate weapon, their final solution if you will. For you see, ask any military mind such as mine and they will tell you the future is in bio-weapons. Dirty bombs. Gas. See where I’m going? Cows produce methane gas. Not just a little, enough to punch a hole in the O-zone layer the size of a small county (say, Bedfordshire). Slowly cows are destroying the planet we call Earth until eventually the oxygen runs out and we all collapse to the floor, clutching our throats and looking up at the cold, dead eyes… of a cow.
Who will help us? Not the cat, who will sneer and walk away.
What will happen? The ice caps will melt even more due to the methane and flood the world.
Who will take over? The ducks, of course.
So be aware… Cats, Ducks and Cows are all part of the Animal Axis of Evil. Trust them at your peril, as any moment, they could initialize their final assault…
PL/OJ
